The Stupendous Jimbo's Guide To Stupendous Flaming
by The Stupendous Jimbo
Summary: <html><head></head>Have you ever dreamed of being a well renowned flamer? Have you ever read a story you didn't like and felt the need to flame it, but don't know how? Do you even care? Then come on down and read this guide, and you'll learn how to tell people they suck!</html>


Author: Gasp, I'm not dead! Alright, I owe an explanation for the long hiatus. You see, for a long while I've been pursuing a personal dream of mine. And if you've been paying attention to my profile, which I've clearly gone out of my way to expressively place the text in bold, than you'd know that I've generally flipped off the FF community and decided to become a composer. Yyyup, that's right, good ol' KTE or Stupendous Jimbo or whatever you guys refer to me as nowadays is one of those figures who dresses up in nice suits, ties, and possibly a whig that went out of style back in the 1700's who waves a pointy stick around while the orchestra plays music. Thaaat's me! And if you want to hear some of my music, I have a personal Soundcloud laying around where I post my work. It's not much, but check it out, it's on my profile.

As for the romance contest, welll...I do have some finalists and I believe I've pinpointed a winner, but I have to warn people that the whole promise to review everyone isn;t going to happen...It's just way too much, and I'm terribly sorry, and I promise to make it up to those who are saddened by this decision. But that will be discussed later. In the mean time, my objective is to make you, the proud reader, laugh...Meaning I don't care how hard you think your job is, mine's harder.

**I Engaged In Consensual Intercourse With Your Mother – The Stupendous Jimbo's Guide To Composing A Well Thought Out Flame To The Asshole Who Pissed You Off.**

_Once upon a midnight dreary, you've come across a fictional fairy,_

_Of reason immersed in cracked pot thyme, hands clapped together, praying for time_

_lost within an hour's frame, so unspeakably bland, incredibly lame._

_Your words of disgust must be thorough, as furious words unleash from your bureau._

_It matters not from whence it came, for soon that little bastard will know your name._

The beloved art of flaming has been passed down to many generations of men – all who have rightfully be christened as the most respectable group of men in existence. Of course, all of the MEN who have been bestowed with the lustful gift of giving users the virtual finger know better than anybody that their powers are only meant to be used for good. After all, with great power comes great responsibility (Quoth by the legendary flamer, Flame Rising, and anybody who says otherwise is stupid!).

But of course, to capture such an insatiable art would require precise precision, and of course, much practice in order to sharpen your skills of the keyboard. It is an art that must never be taken lightly, for if ever you were to misuse this wonderful power, you will forever be known as a gay little faggot for the rest of your life. What does this mean? To put it out it quite bluntly: Flags are for fags (Or FA4F for those who speak chatspeak.) Take that to heart.

So it has finally come down to it, you wish to learn how to flame, correct? No? Than get out! No? Alright fine...I can't force you to leave anyway...

It has been assumed that you, the reader, have clicked this article in hopes of pursuing your most sought after wet dream of telling other users they suck. If this is so, than keep on reading, for this article may very well change your life! I guarantee it! (May...) So instead of boring you with this stupid little history of flaming and where it came from, how about we jump into the heart of the matter and transform you from prosperous members of society to the lowest form of scum ever to ooze from the cracks of the earth. Don't worry, you're doing the website a huge service, after all, these people must learn that they suck.

PSYCH! We're going over the history anyway. Hehe, suckas...

**Chapter 1: The History of Flaming**

One day somebody wrote a story, it sucked, and a couple of people told them it sucked.

**Chapter 2: Why Flame?**

Cause the story sucks.

**Chapter 3: How Do I Know When To Flame?**

If the story sucks.

**Chapter 4: What Stories Should I Flame?**

The stories that suck

**Chapter 5: What is Constructive Criticism?**

Telling the writer their story sucks, but offering criticism.

**Chapter 6: What is the Difference Between Flaming and Constructive Criticism?**

Flaming is the truth. Their story sucks, end of story...Which sucks...

**Chapter 7: What does this have to do with the Super Smash Bros. Section?**

One day Marth and Ike played a game of truth and dare, found out they were gay, and lived happily ever after. There, content approval!

**Chapter 8: What happens if the writer replies to my flame, calling me bad names?**

Flame more of their stories.

**Chapter 9: What if I get reported?**

Nothing happens. The admins are lazy.

**Chapter 10: What if they don't listen to my flames?**

Then you didn't flame hard enough. Remember, if the writer does not quit or kill themselves, you didn't flame hard enough

**Chapter 11: The Basic Rules and Guidelines to Flaming**

Now that we have established a basic foundation for this article, we must go over a few things. First of all, you MUST adhere to a simple set of principles that have been laid out for you – consider them as simple guidelines built to help you grow into a healthy flamer. These ten key points are the equivalent of the 10 Commandments, and you must follow them as if you've turned your craft into a religion like everybody who thinks they're doing the right thing.

1. You didn't flame them because you're some horrible wretched hate machine, you did it for the good of this site, mankind, and America. That's right, you did it for America. GOD BLESS AMERICA!

2. When flaming, you must always be anonymous. Nothing is worse than giving somebody the ability to retaliate their frustration towards your lack of interest in their work. As the great founding fathers of flaming (FFF) once said: no better autonomous like anonymous.

3. When flaming, your goal is to act as if you're better than them while at the same time diverting them away from the illusion that you actually have balls.

4. Now you and I both know that the writer is a flaming homosexual and it must be brought to their attention. But odds are the writer does not know this.

5. Despite your virginity, you did indeed have sex with the flamee's mother. It is crucial that you point this fact out because in doing so, you will undoubtably crush their spirit because as far as they know, nobody has ever had sex with their mother. Nobody.

6. It's not flaming; it's constructive criticism.

7. There is no point in proving you are a better writer than them, because we all know in reality you're actually an editor at a famous magazine corporation. This instantly voids their proposition for requesting proof.

8. Secluding yourself to your room 18 hours a day watching pirated episodes of "True Blood" while listening to Beyonce constitutes a healthy social life, therefore the writer cannot claim that you have no life.

9. Every flame must include a half-witted metaphor, analogy, or simile that personifies your dissatisfaction for the story you have just read, I.E: "Your story looks as if it were written by a half drunken monkey on crack!" And so help me God if it's not funny!

10. If you cannot think of anything creative to say about their horrible tripe of a story, than use copy-pasta. What's copy-pasta you ask? Well it's simple: think of the funniest insult you've ever heard in your life, or find a flame that somebody has used against someone that you thought was a very well thought out flame. Now copy it and paste it on the review board of the story you're flaming as If you wrote it yourself. Than take that same copy and paste message, and randomly post it on any story you find. Remember, despite your short attention span, you took the time to read and carefully process every piece of information that the writer had to offer, and still knew that it sucked.

Once we have established these rules, we shall employ a foundation which you shall build your flaming empire upon. The foundation is not just your constitution, but the flag that you represent. Now I'm not talking about a piece of fabric that you draw pretty pictures on – no – I'm talking about a symbol. Consider it this way, you are a soldier, but you're more than a soldier. You are a warrior – a Flame Warrior! And like any soldier, you fight for your country, your rights, and your flag. But you must know that we're not talking about designing your own flag, for when you join the league of flamers, you are already given a flag.

So what are you representing as a soldier of insults? Why the very guidelines of this site! There are a certain Terms of Agreement that you and I did not read, but nonetheless we are to pretend we read it, therefore we are enforcing these guidelines. How do you enforce the rules? Well generally you're supposed to flag a story and report it to the administrators of the site for them to process, but that's not what we do. As we have quoted from the legendary ancestors of flaming: Flags are for Fags

Therefore instead of flagging the story you feel is an infraction of the guidelines, you are to give them a well informed letter of unappreciation on their behalf.

Now some of you may be asking about the small clause in the Community Etiquette section, rule 4, that requires you to respect your fellow writers, and be courteous, I.E: Do not flame or insult anybody's piece of work. Well, my friend, It is my duty to inform you that the particular rule you are referring to does not exist. That's right, there is no such rule that says you are not allowed to flame anybody, and if any of you little bastards so much as DARE reference Article 6, section E, I _will _see to it that you are called a very not nice name.

**The Flamer's Code of Ethnics:**

As a flamer, you are a highly respected citizen of this community of thirteen year olds, therefore you are to follow a code of ethnics in order to display your civility. They are as follows:

- You do not talk about the Fireplace.

- You DO NOT talk about the Fireplace.

- You do not flame stories that were decently written or hinted towards provided effort.

- There is no such thing as a decently written story, and no author put any effort in their work

- You flame for attention. No if, ands, or buts. This is a very honorable business you are entering into and scumbags like you who feel that flames are for the sake of making a point are only making REAL flamers look bad.

**DO NOT GIVE CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM! THAT INDICATES THAT YOU CARE!**

Remember, there was once upon a time when you gave constructive criticism and tried to help people improve their writing, but they merely snapped at you and it was then that you realized everybody on the site are whiney little brats and the only way to make them understand is if you flame them. This is their wakeup call, remember that.

**The Difference Between Constructive Criticism and Flaming:**

Now as a flamer, you've probably heard of the term commonly refereed to as "Constructive Criticism". You see, Constructive criticism is where you casually explain to the author why you did not like their story and you offer them tips on how to improve their writing, whether you point out some flaws in the story or teach them a lesson or two about grammar and the English language, whereas flaming is simply telling the author they have no right to exist on this very Earth. Why? Because EVERYBODY knows that all authors on this site were born in America and posses a grip of the English Language, Therefore if they were to misspell a word or their story contains a grammatical error, it is your job to take that mistake and over exaggerate it until you come off as "the biggest pile of dirt in the world". Now regardless to their reaction, they really did enjoy it.

Now that we have covered this issue, I shall cover the Pros and Cons on the whole "Flaming Vs. Constructive Criticism" topic

**Constructive Criticism:**

**DID U KNOEW: **Did you know that if you give constructive criticism you will get AIDS?

**THE MOAR U KNOEW!**

**Pros: **None

**Cons: **The writer has a sense of hope.

**Flaming:**

**Pros:**

- Flaming is a well respected art that EVERYBODY loves. Otherwise it wouldn't exist.

- Like smoking and alcohol, it's good for you and does nothing but benefit your health to the highest degree.

- If successful, the writer you are flaming will either discontinue their writing career on this website, therefore ridding the site of terrorists, or they will commit suicide, therefore ridding the world of terrorists

- You'll be popular. Remember, when you flame, you're a jerk, and everybody loves jerks.

- You'll be popular with the ladies. Remember, girls love jerks, otherwise they wouldn't date them. Duh...

- You'll be loved by everybody. And if somebody does not show their expression of love, well simply put: they're a faggot and should obviously kill themselves.

- You will be known as a highly intelligent individual.

- Three words: Gummy bear pizza...Must I go on?

**Cons: **None

See, whenever you put it that way, it clearly makes flaming the logical choice.

**Who To Flame: **Ah yes, we've all come across that situation where you found yourself hard-pressed to decide whether you should flame or not. To put it thus: Chances are flaming is ALWAYS the right choice. But just to be sure, I've compiled a list of people who rightfully deserve the virtual "F-U" that you shall provide:

**The following Writers MUST be flamed:**

- Those who think this guide is stupid

- Those who think this guide is a waste of time

- Those who think I'm a horrible writer

- Those who believe flaming is not the way, and instead, we must nurture our fellow authors because everybody's an aspiring writer.

- KILL THE EMPIRE

- Those who flame this guide

- Those who think I'm not funny

- Atheists

- Women

- Blacks

- Gays

- Those who haven't figured out I'm from the deepest part of Texas where ALL of the rednecks are gathered. Seriously, read my fucking profile.

- Jews

- Non Christians

- Those who think I'm being rude

- Those who don't believe that Zelda was the best damn thing ever created.

- Those who give out names in the form of a hit list

- Foxpilot

- Tealfrog26

- Halomasterchief

- The Stupendous Jimbo

- Araceli L

- Yoshizilla...If that's still his name...I don't care, just flame him!

- Anybody who writes a Truth or Dare Story

- Anybody who writes Yaoi/Yuri

- Anybody who engages in Character Shipping despite how I don't know what the hell that is

- Anybody who owns an Original Character

- Anybody who writes Self Inserts

- Anybody who violates the TOS/Guidelines

- Anybody who writes pointless non-story related stories

- Did I mention Jews?

- Anybody who starts a writing contest and doesn't finish

- Anybody who makes a list with bullets and doesn't place a bullet on two of the items on said list

- The first five stories in the humor section

- Anybody who advocates the administration of violence in any way, shape, or form

- Anybody who listens and takes the advice of the contents within this guide...Seriously, if you go off and decide to flame people at the expense of this guide, you're a moron...

- Anybody who takes this guide seriously. I mean look, I understand the whole failing to understand the satirical values behind "I NEED OC'S" and "IT'S CALLED FANFICTION" but I am dead serious when I tell you that there are people who actually believed that I was being serious. And if you actually believe this is a legit guide that I want you to take seriously, PLEASE do yourself a favor and punch yourself in the face until common sense knocks at the door.

- Anybody who advocates battery or any form of assault that can inflict harm on anybody or yourself, I.E: Punch yourself in the face.

- Anybody I missed. You're creative, you can think of something

**Constructing a well thought out flame:**

The key element to flaming somebody's story is that you MUST be intimidating and insulting. And you MUST look like a jackass. Otherwise you're not worthy of the critically acclaimed title. Here is an example of a flame that's NOT good:

_"You had some really good parts, but this story wasn't that good. In the first couple of paragraphs you put a D in front of "Olimar", making it "Dolimar". I mean seriously, you did this six, wait...No, seven...Oh my! You did this every single time! Not to mention It is my civil duty to inform you that the Ice Climbers are IC, not OC. Ya dig? Also this whole entire story is in Script Format which is CLEARLY an infraction of the Fanfiction TOS. I'm sorry but I'm afraid I'm going to have to report you, unless you take this story down and do us all a favor...Seriously, did you even try?"_

Now as you have notice, this wasn't a flame, this was the work of a concerned reader who clearly understood that the person who wrote this story had no idea what they were doing, but unfortunately the reviewer did not have the ability to construct a highly intellectual fortified cascade of lavish words to share with this writer, therefore, the author had no choice but to ignore it and continue as if he knew what he was doing.

This is by no means a good thing. The author you flame MUST feel the need to end their own life. I cannot STRESS how predominant it is that they feel like the lowest form of dirt in the universe. Why? Because I'm going to share a secret with you.

Did you know that people love being flamed? Yyyup, it's no joke. EVERYBODY likes to be flamed. Now I know that sometimes people will tell you that they don't want flames in their stories, the majority of their requests found in the summary, but in reality, they want to be the victim of cyber-rape. They want to be called the dirty little whore they are, just like that girl I did not pick up off the street that I most definitely did not pay fifty dollars to engage in sexual conduct, which we did not do...Yeah...

So now that you know this secret, you shouldn't feel bad if the person never wants to write again. After all, they wanted it. Now of course, despite how everybody loves being flamed, I must inform you that you must not flame me or any of my stories. I'm not saying that I'm one of those "I don't want to get flamed" types, but it's the opposite...Yeah...I mean...Er...That there are other people on this site that want to be flamed just as bad as me, but they're more important. Get it? Thumbs up if you do!

Now that we've got that covered, I now we will correct the distressed reviewer's flame, and turn that complaining into flaming. So how would it look if the user who wished to share his transgression towards the lousy writer actually knew what to do? Well, it'd look a little something like this:

_"YOU SUCK! YOU'RE THE WORSE (A/N: Insert beeping sound here) AUTHOR EVER YOU STUPID (A/N: Insert beeping sound here.) SUCKER! YOU SUCK THE FATTEST (A/N: Insert beeping sound here.) IN THE UNIVERSE! LIKE, GOKU (A/N: Insert beeping sound here), YEAH THAT'S RIGHT, YOU SUCK GOKU AND TRUNKS, AND VEGETA AND BULMA'S (A/N: Insert beeping sound here)! FAT JUICY (A/N: Insert two beeping sounds here.)! FAT (A/N: Insert three beeping sounds here)! GET OFF YOUR FAT ASS AND LEARN HOW TO WRITE A REAL STORY YOU FAT (A/N: Insert eight beeping sounds here)! YOU ARE THE EMPITEMY OF (A/N: Insert two beeping sounds here...Alright this is getting really sad.)! TAKE THE (A/N: Insert beeping sound here) OUT OF YOUR THROAT AND LEARN TO SPELL CORRECTLY YOU FAT (A/N: Insert two beeping sounds here)! WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, YOU SUCK A FAT BLACK (A/N: Insert beeping sound here.)! YOU (A/N: Insert beeping sound here) SUCKING FAGGOT (A/N: Insert two beeping sounds here)! YOU'RE A PRO AT THE ART OF THE (A/N: Insert beeping sound here)! YOU SUCK AT IT GOOD, LONG, AND HARD! (A/N: Insert two beeping sounds here)! NOW GO EAT A BURRITO, MAYBE A HOT POCKET! THEN GO BACK AND SUCK MORE (A/N: Insert beeping sound here)! PS: YOU ARE A (A/N: Insert 2 beeping sounds here...and about three thousand more.)"_

Now THAT person knows how to tell it how it is! Way to go, flamer, you totally informed that author that he engages in fellatio and other forms of male on male sexual conduct!

**In Conclusion:**

Congratulations, grunt, with hard work, endless training, and the addition of the F word to your vocabulary, you are now fully prepared and ready to raise hell and tell other people what kind of worthless scumbags they are! Remember, though, some people are going to disagree with your ways. Others are going to think you're a loser and a horrible person, but remember, those people are stupid.

Now that you are armed with the necessary tools needed to flip them the virtual finger, I wish you luck on your crusade to rid the site of assholes like me, and bad writers like the list above! Good luck, and God Speed!

And remember: We are not doing this for love, peace, or the pursuit of a new administration of rule, but for AMERICA! YEAH! GOD BLESS THE US OF A! And if you're not from this country, get the hell out of here!

Author: Yyyup...I've DEFINITELY made a few enemies, that I have...Alrighty, I'll give this story a few days, maybe a week, and then I take this sonovabitch down! Until then, I'll be hanging around studying for school and finals and spending my time writing music! Until next time!

-JIMBOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO


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